This week I was hit with my first dose of baby number two mummy-guilt. Actually, I think I’ve been experiencing it for thirteen years, since baby number one arrived, I’ve simply been struck down by a renewed version.
Like many mums, I’ve had to make the difficult decision to return to work… although, even as I write that, I find myself asking, ‘Did I ever really stop working?’ I wouldn’t call motherhood a picnic in the park – it’s bloomin’ difficult. So perhaps I should rephrase that and say I have made the hard decision to go back to what I get paid to do. But what to do about Isla, I wondered. I needed to come up with a plan of action. A plan that involves condensing full time working hours into four days, Daddy & Nanny daycare and help from a registered angel (Kelly the Childminder).
Once we’d settled with the idea of co-operative childcare I initially felt relieved. But, once that feeling subsided (and I attended a back-to-work meeting with my boss) reality hit and I was left feeling upset, worried and guilty. Upset that I would no longer be spending 24-7 with my little girl now that she’s almost walking independently, worried that I was doing the right thing about going back to work, and then guilty that Isla wouldn’t be with her ‘mum-mum’. Of course, I had a good cry (rather hysterically in fact) and text a few mummy friends of mine who’d all recently gone back to work. That’s when I realised it’s okay to be apart from your baby and get on with doing things that you enjoy and/or pay the bills. It’s even okay to feel like you NEED time away from your baby, although I’m not sure I’ll ever feel like that.
Life is about making situations work so that everyone involved is happy. It’s so important to see the positives of any given scenario – so, in my case, I have an amazing baby (and an amazing older daughter too) and a cool job which gives me relative flexibility to be around my amazing family. I know Isla is with people who love her immensely and who I trust. I also know that I’ll arrive in work on 31st October and feel as if I’ve never been away, and that when I return home I’ll be greeted by a beaming little smiley face that will fill my heart with love. I can’t wait for that!
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