So this is very much a ‘get it if my chest post’ in response to a weekend that was overshadowed by my overbearing, narcissistic Mother-in-Law (MIL). It started on Thursday evening when I returned home from work, and my MIL who was supposed to be looking after my two year old daughter, was asleep on the sofa. Thankfully, my daughter was watching Peppa Pig on DVD, and seemed otherwise oblivious to her Nana’s unconscious state of being. I’ve never seen anyone move so quickly, when she realised that I was standing in front of her sleeping form. And in true narcissist fashion, when questioned, she completely denied that she was sleeping at all! Infuriating….
Then to add insult to injury, my MIL, got up from her almost horizontal position and poked me hard on my pregnant belly! ‘I want to see your paunch’ she exclaimed! When I asked her what she meant by ‘paunch’ – a term normally applied to an individual’s beer gut – she prodded my coat covered belly again and stated ‘I want to see that thing!’ Talk about rude – in words as well as actions!!! It’s a bump and her grandchild, not someone’s protruding stomach from too much food or alcohol! I actually recoiled in response; fastening up the button, in addition to the already secured zip, on my parka jacket. No way was I going to make myself physically vulnerable to this women! The long-standing emotional turmoil is bad enough…..
So fast forward to Friday morning, when I was getting my toddler washed and dressed ready to start the day. Her little bottom, I discovered, was red-raw and causing her considerable pain. This is a consistent occurrence on Fridays, following Nana and Granddad day care (every Thursday), and is typically a response to being given junk food and/or juice that is too strong. My husband has, on several occasions, spoken to his parents about our wish for our daughter to be fed a healthy, balanced diet whilst in their care. However, our requests have fallen on deaf ears, with my MIL employing her default ‘it’s my way or the highway’ approach, even with her granddaughter.
By Saturday morning my little girl was in excruciating pain, and so I took it upon myself to contact my MIL in a polite request to know what she had been given to eat and drink on Thursday. My text was met with a very vague, cryptic response; and without answering my actual question. Reluctant to become embroiled in a long winded communication, I responded with a further text repeating my request to know what she had given my daughter to eat/drink. After a considerable wait (several hours), I eventually received a response outlining a few (junk) food items, along with a highly defensive statement about all the food coming from my house (talk about shirking responsibility). Yes the food may have come from my home, but my MIL was the one that had looked in the cupboards and had chosen a selection of unhealthy foods to give my daughter (as I duly pointed out). She could have made healthier choices after all – I mentioned this too! I further took time to point out that she’d told me herself on Thursday that she’d brought some food from home, and therefore her claim that all my daughter’s meals came solely from my house was in fact inaccurate! My MIL denied this, preferring instead to try to gaslight me into believing that I’d imagined such a conversation….
Predictably, the more I challenged my MIL on the matter, the more defensive she became, until she eventually began to give me the silent treatment. Punishments of this sort are commonplace with my MIL and are typically induced out of contempt or disapproval of something I have said or done. In this instance I’ve challenged her inability to ensure that my daughter eats a healthy diet whilst in her care, whereas she refuses to see that she has done anything wrong. It’s now Monday Noon (GMT) and I have not heard a peep from her since Saturday evening. She is of course waiting for me to apologise; her passive aggressive form of emotional abuse – the silent treatment – fuelling her inflated view of herself.
If you’re reading this and questioning my point-of-view please bear this in mind: when mostly healthy minded people give others the silent treatment, it usually blows over in a few moments, maybe hours, ideally after saying they need a break from the topic and mutually agreeing when to talk about it again. Non-narcissists know shunning someone is not the way to resolve issues; realising that it is cruel and abusive to perform such an act for an extended amount of time. Narcissists on the other hand do not see things in the same way others do; stopping at nothing until they get their own way. My MIL has been known to drag out her silent treatment for days, sometimes weeks; only choosing to acknowledge the offending individual (usually me) when they have apologised.
Had my values surrounding my daughter’s health and wellbeing not been so blatantly compromised, then I would have definitely thought twice before having any contact with my MIL. Recent events, in particular, have shown me that she isn’t likely to change, and so I recently decided to employ a minimal contact strategy with her. Indeed, research shows that this is a highly effective way to deal with a narcissist, and I’m hoping it’s right!
I’d love to hear about your ‘MIL Moments’ – please feel free to rant, vent or share your experiences in the comments.
Take Care xx