So life on the Mother-in-law (MIL) front was quiet for a week or two…. She communicated mostly with my other half; sending random texts as and when suited her. Then as we approached last Thursday; the date when my MIL was due to take up the reigns again in relation to caring for of our two year old daughter while we attended a friend’s funeral; she started to send him texts that all began ‘Dear Mammahannah (but my actual real name)….’. It soon became clear that she was in fact sending him what appeared to be copies of texts that she had sent to me; except that I hadn’t received any of them! The texts made her sound concerned – almost – and were clearly a ploy to dupe my husband into believing that she was communicating with me in a kind, motherly sort of way.
You see my husband had spoken with his mother mid-January about her behaviour towards me – there were repeated issues of her giving me the silent treatment after I’d raised concerns about my daughter’s wellbeing whilst in her care; there were lies (and plenty of them) to absolve her of taking any sort of responsibility for her actions (or lack of them); she didn’t adhere to the boundaries my husband and I had set, then made me her public enemy number one for having tried to set boundaries in the first place. She has even made repeated attempted to smear me to my Brother-in-Law and Sister-in-law… and then to my own parents!
My MIL has narcissistic traits and has a tendency to create misery and chaos for my little family… in fact scratch that… for ME!
Little did I know when I met my then husband-to-be in 2008, that I’d ran right into the line of sight of the Matriarch from Hell! The closer my other half and I became, the more this woman grew to despise me and sought to control me; making life miserable when she didn’t get things all her own way. This pattern of behaviour has continued for close to 8 years; progressively escalating until it reached an explosive climax last week.
I want and deserve a peaceful life with my own little family, and I am dog-tired of the barbed and loaded comments, and vile behaviour. It’s safe to say that I no longer want anything to do with my narcissistic MIL. In fact her behaviour on Thursday only served to confirm that she has more issues than the local tabloid newspaper! Here are some of the most prominent issues that presented themselves during our altercation…
- Psychological projection (blame shifting) – this is a theory in psychology in which individuals defend themselves against their own unpleasant impulses by denying their existence whilst attributing them to others. Narcissists, including my MIL, are experts in projection. People in general find her rude (including me), but she constantly accuses other people – neighbours, friends, acquaintances, ME – of being rude to her! Her most recent claim is that ALL my text messages to her rude and insulting; despite the fact I rarely text her without running my messages past either my husband or parents prior to sending them on to her (and they wouldn’t let me send anything that was rude!!). In actual fact, her behaviour in response to my texts is rude (particularly in relation to texts concerning my daughter; her granddaughter) – she rarely responds, and when she does she is typically curt, evasive or argumentative.
- Refusing to accept responsibility – It is never my MIL’s fault… and I mean NEVER!!!! If caught doing something insensitive or selfish, my MIL will tell us that she had to do it because of someone or something else. For instance; we had asked my MIL not to throw out any uneaten or partially eaten food from my daughter’s lunch bag (when she looks after her on Thursdays); to enable us to see what foods our daughter is/isn’t eating, and to allow us to plan lunch for the following the week. My MIL knowingly went against our wishes, and put the contents of my daughters lunch bag in a supermarket rubbish bin, but rather than accept responsibility for her actions, she blamed my Father-in-Law. When my husband and I implied that this was something that was her responsibility, she more-or-less told us that she didn’t care!
- Lies! Lies! Lies! – Narcissists lie to make themselves look good. They lie to get out of emotional responsibility; they lie to manipulate; and they lie to gain influence. And my MIL is no exception!! Life is very much a game to my MIL, and one that she has to think she is winning! An example of my MIL’s most recent lie is when she maintained that she had changed my daughter’s nappy just before my husband came from work, when in actual fact her nappy was completely saturated with urine and had even soaked through to her leggings (leaving a giant wet patch). Hence, even though there was physical evidence to suggest otherwise, she continued with the lie. Simply put, honesty compromises my MIL’s powerful persona, and there is no way she’s going to let that happen.
- Two faced & vindictive – Yes my MIL has more faces than the town clock! To me she is spiteful and vindictive because I have sought to challenge her, and request from her healthy boundaries and honesty. Even though I’m currently 7 months pregnant she takes great pleasure in behaving in a way that she knows will cause me stress. Narcissists are experts at sussing out psychological ‘weak spots’, hence it is no surprise that my MIL uses my pregnant vulnerability against me. However, to my husband she is the picture of innocence and compassion. For instance, during our spat last week, she maintained that ‘I don’t want to be the one who causes any stress….’, yet when my husband’s back was turned she pulled a face that I can only describe as pure evil!
As I have said before, I will not apologise for my lack of objectivity when it comes to my MIL. She is the bain of my life; a source of complete and utter toxicity who has caused a lot of stress and distress. And her behaviour last week was the final straw! After careful consideration I have now embarked on a low-to-no contact regimen which will hopefully alleviate some of the psychological trauma she has inflicted over recent weeks. My husband is still free to visit and contact his Mother, and he is welcome to supervise her contact with our children, but for me, certainly whilst I’m pregnant, my journey is done.
I know it’s not going to be an easy road – low-to-no contact is not for wimps – and there may be bumps along the way, but I’ll deal with those as, when and if they happen. For now I finally feel like I’m free to be me again….
Do you have a narcissistic MIL, parent or family member? I’d love to hear from you if you do!