MIL Moment!

So life on the Mother-in-law (MIL) front was quiet for a week or two…. She communicated mostly with my other half; sending random texts as and when suited her. Then as we approached last Thursday; the date when my MIL was due to take up the reigns again in relation to caring for of our two year old daughter while we attended a friend’s funeral; she started to send him texts that all began ‘Dear Mammahannah (but my actual real name)….’. It soon became clear that she was in fact sending him what appeared to be copies of texts that she had sent to me; except that I hadn’t received any of them! The texts made her sound concerned – almost – and were clearly a ploy to dupe my husband into believing that she was communicating with me in a kind, motherly sort of way.

You see my husband had spoken with his mother mid-January about her behaviour towards me – there were repeated issues of her giving me the silent treatment after I’d raised concerns about my daughter’s wellbeing whilst in her care; there were lies (and plenty of them) to absolve her of taking any sort of responsibility for her actions (or lack of them); she didn’t adhere to the boundaries my husband and I had set, then made me her public enemy number one for having tried to set boundaries in the first place. She has even made repeated attempted to smear me to my Brother-in-Law and Sister-in-law… and then to my own parents!

My MIL has narcissistic traits and has a tendency to create misery and chaos for my little family… in fact scratch that… for ME!

Little did I know when I met my then husband-to-be in 2008, that I’d ran right into the line of sight of the Matriarch from Hell! The closer my other half and I became, the more this woman grew to despise me and sought to control me; making life miserable when she didn’t get things all her own way. This pattern of behaviour has continued for close to 8 years; progressively escalating until it reached an explosive climax last week.

I want and deserve a peaceful life with my own little family, and I am dog-tired of the barbed and loaded comments, and vile behaviour. It’s safe to say that I no longer want anything to do with my narcissistic MIL. In fact her behaviour on Thursday only served to confirm that she has more issues than the local tabloid newspaper! Here are some of the most prominent issues that presented themselves during our altercation…

  1. Psychological projection (blame shifting) – this is a theory in psychology in which individuals defend themselves against their own unpleasant impulses by denying their existence whilst attributing them to others. Narcissists, including my MIL, are experts in projection. People in general find her rude (including me), but she constantly accuses other people – neighbours, friends, acquaintances, ME – of being rude to her! Her most recent claim is that ALL my text messages to her rude and insulting; despite the fact I rarely text her without running my messages past either my husband or parents prior to sending them on to her (and they wouldn’t let me send anything that was rude!!). In actual fact, her behaviour in response to my texts is rude (particularly in relation to texts concerning my daughter; her granddaughter) – she rarely responds, and when she does she is typically curt, evasive or argumentative.
  2. Refusing to accept responsibility – It is never my MIL’s fault… and I mean NEVER!!!! If caught doing something insensitive or selfish, my MIL will tell us that she had to do it because of someone or something else. For instance; we had asked my MIL not to throw out any uneaten or partially eaten food from my daughter’s lunch bag (when she looks after her on Thursdays); to enable us to see what foods our daughter is/isn’t eating, and to allow us to plan lunch for the following the week. My MIL knowingly went against our wishes, and put the contents of my daughters lunch bag in a supermarket rubbish bin, but rather than accept responsibility for her actions, she blamed my Father-in-Law. When my husband and I implied that this was something that was her responsibility, she more-or-less told us that she didn’t care!
  3. Lies! Lies! Lies! – Narcissists lie to make themselves look good. They lie to get out of emotional responsibility; they lie to manipulate; and they lie to gain influence. And my MIL is no exception!! Life is very much a game to my MIL, and one that she has to think she is winning! An example of my MIL’s most recent lie is when she maintained that she had changed my daughter’s nappy just before my husband came from work, when in actual fact her nappy was completely saturated with urine and had even soaked through to her leggings (leaving a giant wet patch). Hence, even though there was physical evidence to suggest otherwise, she continued with the lie. Simply put, honesty compromises my MIL’s powerful persona, and there is no way she’s going to let that happen.
  4. Two faced & vindictive – Yes my MIL has more faces than the town clock! To me she is spiteful and vindictive because I have sought to challenge her, and request from her healthy boundaries and honesty. Even though I’m currently 7 months pregnant she takes great pleasure in behaving in a way that she knows will cause me stress. Narcissists are experts at sussing out psychological ‘weak spots’, hence it is no surprise that my MIL uses my pregnant vulnerability against me. However, to my husband she is the picture of innocence and compassion. For instance, during our spat last week, she maintained that ‘I don’t want to be the one who causes any stress….’, yet when my husband’s back was turned she pulled a face that I can only describe as pure evil!

As I have said before, I will not apologise for my lack of objectivity when it comes to my MIL. She is the bain of my life; a source of complete and utter toxicity who has caused a lot of stress and distress. And her behaviour last week was the final straw! After careful consideration I have now embarked on a low-to-no contact regimen which will hopefully alleviate some of the psychological trauma she has inflicted over recent weeks. My husband is still free to visit and contact his Mother, and he is welcome to supervise her contact with our children, but for me, certainly whilst I’m pregnant, my journey is done.

I know it’s not going to be an easy road – low-to-no contact is not for wimps – and there may be bumps along the way, but I’ll deal with those as, when and if they happen. For now I finally feel like I’m free to be me again….

Do you have a narcissistic MIL, parent or family member? I’d love to hear from you if you do!

MIL Moment!

So this is very much a ‘get it if my chest post’ in response to a weekend that was overshadowed by my overbearing, narcissistic Mother-in-Law (MIL). It started on Thursday evening when I returned home from work, and my MIL who was supposed to be looking after my two year old daughter, was asleep on the sofa. Thankfully, my daughter was watching Peppa Pig on DVD, and seemed otherwise oblivious to her Nana’s unconscious state of being. I’ve never seen anyone move so quickly, when she realised that I was standing in front of her sleeping form. And in true narcissist fashion, when questioned, she completely denied that she was sleeping at all! Infuriating….

Then to add insult to injury, my MIL, got up from her almost horizontal position and poked me hard on my pregnant belly! ‘I want to see your paunch’ she exclaimed! When I asked her what she meant by ‘paunch’ – a term normally applied to an individual’s beer gut – she prodded my coat covered belly again and stated ‘I want to see that thing!’ Talk about rude – in words as well as actions!!! It’s a bump and her grandchild, not someone’s protruding stomach from too much food or alcohol! I actually recoiled in response; fastening up the button, in addition to the already secured zip, on my parka jacket. No way was I going to make myself physically vulnerable to this women! The long-standing emotional turmoil is bad enough…..

So fast forward to Friday morning, when I was getting my toddler washed and dressed ready to start the day. Her little bottom, I discovered, was red-raw and causing her considerable pain. This is a consistent occurrence on Fridays, following Nana and Granddad day care (every Thursday), and is typically a response to being given junk food and/or juice that is too strong. My husband has, on several occasions, spoken to his parents about our wish for our daughter to be fed a healthy, balanced diet whilst in their care. However, our requests have fallen on deaf ears, with my MIL employing her default ‘it’s my way or the highway’ approach, even with her granddaughter.

By Saturday morning my little girl was in excruciating pain, and so I took it upon myself to contact my MIL in a polite request to know what she had been given to eat and drink on Thursday. My text was met with a very vague, cryptic response; and without answering my actual question. Reluctant to become embroiled in a long winded communication, I responded with a further text repeating my request to know what she had given my daughter to eat/drink. After a considerable wait (several hours), I eventually received a response outlining a few (junk) food items, along with a highly defensive statement about all the food coming from my house (talk about shirking responsibility). Yes the food may have come from my home, but my MIL was the one that had looked in the cupboards and had chosen a selection of unhealthy foods to give my daughter (as I duly pointed out). She could have made healthier choices after all – I mentioned this too! I further took time to point out that she’d told me herself on Thursday that she’d brought some food from home, and therefore her claim that all my daughter’s meals came solely from my house was in fact inaccurate! My MIL denied this, preferring instead to try to gaslight me into believing that I’d imagined such a conversation….

Predictably, the more I challenged my MIL on the matter, the more defensive she became, until she eventually began to give me the silent treatment. Punishments of this sort are commonplace with my MIL and are typically induced out of contempt or disapproval of something I have said or done. In this instance I’ve challenged her inability to ensure that my daughter eats a healthy diet whilst in her care, whereas she refuses to see that she has done anything wrong. It’s now Monday Noon (GMT) and I have not heard a peep from her since Saturday evening. She is of course waiting for me to apologise; her passive aggressive form of emotional abuse – the silent treatment – fuelling her inflated view of herself.

If you’re reading this and questioning my point-of-view please bear this in mind: when mostly healthy minded people give others the silent treatment, it usually blows over in a few moments, maybe hours, ideally after saying they need a break from the topic and mutually agreeing when to talk about it again. Non-narcissists know shunning someone is not the way to resolve issues; realising that it is cruel and abusive to perform such an act for an extended amount of time. Narcissists on the other hand do not see things in the same way others do; stopping at nothing until they get their own way. My MIL has been known to drag out her silent treatment for days, sometimes weeks; only choosing to acknowledge the offending individual (usually me) when they have apologised.

Had my values surrounding my daughter’s health and wellbeing not been so blatantly compromised, then I would have definitely thought twice before having any contact with my MIL. Recent events, in particular, have shown me that she isn’t likely to change, and so I recently decided to employ a minimal contact strategy with her. Indeed, research shows that this is a highly effective way to deal with a narcissist, and I’m hoping it’s right!

I’d love to hear about your ‘MIL Moments’ – please feel free to rant, vent or share your experiences in the comments.

Take Care xx

A ‘Festive’ MIL Moment!

It’s been a while since I last posted here…. bloomin’ ages in fact! I don’t really have an excuse for my lack of attention, save to say that I have been exceptionally busy being a full-time working mum to two children (soon to be three!). I’ve also been trying to be a thyroid warrior; helping to raise awareness of thyroid disease via Twitter (@butterflyjourn1) and my other blog abutterflyjournal.wordpress.com As many of you might recall I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism following the birth of my youngest daughter in October 2013. It was supposed to be post-partum and temporary, but unfortunately my body’s antibodies had other ideas and did a fantastic job of killing-off my thyroid gland completely. Being hypothyroid brings with it a whole host of unseen complications, that can make life more difficult. This is particularly so now that I am pregnant again. After a full-day at the office I have just about enough energy to cook a meal for my brood and then it’s off to bed for me! I’m exhausted like I’ve never been exhausted before. It is most definitely an inconvenience, but thankfully I have a wonderful husband who is able to pick up the slack when I’m struggling….

If I’m honest, I’ve struggled through the festive season. Don’t get me wrong, Christmas was lovely; a true family affair at my parent’s home in Scotland, and a few days where I could relax and put my feet up. The Pelvic Girdle Pain (PGP) I’ve been experiencing almost melted away into oblivion thanks to the support of my parents who took a really active role in helping to look after my youngest daughter, letting me get some much needed rest. New year, however, I could have seen that far enough! That’s when my mother-in-law (MIL) chose to release the narcissistic monster within… I received a solitary voice mail on Hogmanay (a Scottish term for New Years Eve) from my MIL, expressing her dissatisfaction at being unable to contact my husband or I. She indicated that she had tried ‘repeatedly’ to call us for two days, despite there being absolutely no missed calls on our land line or mobile phones. She expressed the assumption that she would see us on New Year’s Day and demanded that I call her back immediately! I didn’t… I’ve learned from experience that when my MIL is enraged it is not worth trying to hold a civil conversation with her. And so I sent her a text. It may not be the best way to communicate, but I figured that absolutely no communication at all would only make matters worse. I explained that we had long standing plans that evening to attend a party being hosted by our friends and reminded her (as it had already been previously discussed) that we planned to see my Sister and Brother-in-Law on New Year’s Day. I indicated that we would see her very soon to catch up, and I heard nothing more… from her anyway.

I’ve also learned that my MIL’s silence is very telling. When she is quiet, she is sulking; very much like a petulant child. It’s her default response to not getting her own way. But while she is sulking with me, she will play a very different game with other members of my husband’s family. Typically, this will involve calling my Husband’s Brother and Sister-in-Law, and spinning an elaborate yarn about how awful I’ve been to her (usually because we’ve said no to one of her demands). This occasion was no exception! Within half an hour of my text to my MIL I’d received a text from my SIL, asking if we’d seen my MIL over the festive period? And if not, why not? This is despite our plans – Christmas with my parents and New Year with friends and my Sister – being made clear to all of my husband’s family early on in December.

This was followed by further texts from my SIL telling me how down-in-the-dumps and depressed my MIL is; how sorry she feels for her, and that we should be looking after family in need! This alleged low-mood and depression was news to us. Not once had my MIL mentioned it to my husband or me, and she sees us most weeks. A coincidental contact from my SIL? Probably not! And the emotional stuff, well, it worked! My husband attempted to call his mother on New Year’s Eve to check that she was ok… But she refused to talk to him (yet another one of her games!) And on New Year’s Day there was yet more silence, which only served to upset my husband further, and in turn caused a great deal of ill-feeling between us.

Whether it is because I am pregnant, in physical pain with my pelvis, and feeling emotional at the mo, I’m not sure, but my MIL’s behaviour really got to me. And I mean really…. I felt STRESSED up to my eye balls! Yes there have been far worse ‘incidents’, but my usual resilience that helps me cope, just wasn’t there! I never want to feel that way again – it’s not good for my health (stress makes the symptoms of thyroid disorders worse) and its certainly not good for the baby I’m carrying!

My MIL is obviously not concerned with my wellbeing, so I have to be! Hence, I’ve decided that for the foreseeable future I am going to keep my husband’s mother at arm’s length! Her behaviour at New Year only served to reinforce that she is chronically jealous of our little functional family unit. Eight years I’ve put up with her chaotic behaviour , but no more!

Do you have a NPDMIL? Please feel free to leave your ‘MIL moments’ in the comments section – I’d love to hear from you!

Take Care x